The recent trend of over-the-top misconduct by police officers has left us here at Cop Block wondering if there is any depravity, lie or trespass so horrible or surreal that one of our nation’s cops won’t soon be found caught in the act committing it. Ever since cops tear gassed me in Seattle on Mardis Gras in 2001, I have had the uncanny ability to foresee future events whenever I see breasts and beads at the same time. Here are three headlines and stories that I (psychically) expect to see in the next year.*
The Freshmaker .357 –
One Wisconsin officer is under scrutiny after shooting an eight year old girl in the face at point blank range. The LEO, Taffy Bambinga, claims that at the time of the shooting he was just trying to hand the girl a minty fresh Mentos candy.
“The girl was crying and screaming for her mother, so I thought a piece of candy might help calm her down. I reached into my pocket for a roll of Mentos and as I went to hand them to her I realized too late that it was a gun and before I could react, it went off.” says Bambinga, who enjoys horse figurines and reheating casseroles in a waffle iron.
Officer Bambinga now claims full responsibility for the incident, which was caught on camera by the victim’s sister, who was also under investigation for running a lemonade stand without a permitwhen the tragedy occurred. Because the officer eventually admitted what he did and felt totally sorry for it, he was allowed an honorable discharge and no charges will be brought against him. After Taffy returns from a trip to ‘Mecca,’ which is how he refers to Graceland, he plans to start a promising campaign for next year’s mayoral election.
Deputy Pleads Not Gill-ty in Death of Pet Goldfish –
A Klackamas County, Oregon Sheriff Deputy claimed his innocence today in a court of law against charges that the officer fired his taser at the families pet goldfish. Deputy Gomer Waddle insists that he discharged his weapon in self-defense after the goldfish began swimming aggressively towards him. Waddle also insists that the aquarian ruffian was brandishing a knife, leaving him with no choice but to defend himself.
“No weapons have been found in or around the fish’s modest bowl and forensic experts are currently working on the theory that an overjoyed cat that immediately tampered with the scene may have dragged the weapon off before authorities could locate it.” said Noah Scruples, attorney for the officer.
“It was just a fin. I don’t have any fucking idea what these assholes are even talking about. Is this real?” came the reply of the owner of the home where the fish was tasered to an untimely demise. “My son still cries every night and nothing we have tried can get the smell of fish sticks out of our living room.”
This is not the first time Waddle has been involved in a situation in which his use of force was called into question. Last summer he was accused of tackling a Hispanic man he claims was crossing the street between intersections and ‘curb stomping’ him. Audio recordings of the event capture the officer calling the man a ‘Jaywalking Taco’ and telling him he was going to ‘gutterfuck your skull holes like a pervert in a piñata factory.’ Waddle was found innocent of wrongdoing in that case and is not expected to face any consequences for his recent actions because Obama and the Republicans, who will be playing the Holiday Inn Travel Lounge nightly through the end of next week.
Cop Sexually Touches Underage Llama –
An officer sent to investigate a visibly intoxicated panda at a Florida zoo is being investigated after surveillance videos from the night of his visit have revealed footage showing the cop rubbing tomato soup from a can on the testicles of a llama in the petting zoo. While the animal appeared to enjoy the activity, it was under the age of consent at the time of the carnal encounter.
“Officer Blahblahblah has been an outstanding part of this department for 7 years. His service has been exemplary and never once before has he been reprimanded for misconduct. We hope our investigation into these matters will reveal a sensible and reasonable explanation for his actions. As of this morning Officer Blahblahblah has been relieved of duty for stealing my can of tomato soup from the break room.”said Chief 2Many, adding that the soup clearly had his name on it.
While the empty soup can has still not been discovered by investigators, saltine crumbs in the officers cruiser suggest that his acts may somehow have been premeditated. Blahblahblah will remain on paid leave while the investigation is in progress and will be forced to have a surprise birthday party thrown for him every day. Those with cake are encouraged to attend.
*A special Thank You to Jethro Joe’s Boob, Bead and Fishing Tackle Emporium and Liquors for making this article possible.